Busy, trying.

I want to get back to being busy.  Busy to the point that I won’t have any idle time. Before they told me that it was a good way to escape reality – but isn’t being occupied is actually working presently. And should it be not labeled as a way of escaping? I wouldn’t know. It just feels really good to be working my ass off. It’s self satisfying, to be able to finish a lot of things by the end of the day. I feel like I’m making use of my life. And it’s a good gloom buster.

For my lover, it’s a different story, my lover is going through just so much pressure. I hope my sweet heart hangs on.  My baby seem not happy with all the stress (s)he is going through. I don’t blame her. It’s not actually her dream job- what she is busting her ass on. But it’s something.

I want to be rich. I want to be filthy rich in the future, almost to the point that I could buy Whale’s soul and hunt her. Bitter as it may sound, I’m still very upset with her. I still haven’t forgiven her. I could never will- probably. I do feel a pinch of pity for her. When she gets old, I often wonder who would take care of her. I hope she is saving enough money for a good home for the aged facility. I want her to get old here in the Philippines though.

Enough about that, There are far better topics to talk about in the evening other than my hatred and unforgiving nature towards that unprofessional teacher.

I bought a book today, Jarhead by Anthony Swofford. I might read right after I read my Of Love and Other Demons by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. And then my baby, gave me another Marquez book for an advance Birthday present. I sort of asked for it, I suggested it because it was on sale and I don’t think I’ll be able to afford it or maybe I could but I would much rather spend my money now with the sale still on than on November.

I suddenly feel like reading my book. I have this feeling of wanting to finish it right away so I’ll know what will happen in the end and at the same time anxious and not really want to end the story and would want to just go through it page by page enjoying every effect of each word on myself. For now… I want to read. CIAO.

My Little Secret.

 

Have you ever tried going to www.peteranswers.com ? It’s this site where there are two boxes, on the first box you write Peter, please answer: on the second box you write your question. I heard stories that the site was able to answer questions such as what’s the name of the girl beside me (that’s without putting on any input whatsoever though) and what’s the color of my shirt right now. And there were many instances that the site actually got it correct (that’s what I heard anyway). And when asked who the person answering was the site would answer “satan”, creepy eh?

 

Anyway my experience turned out to be a cycle of questions, and answers that were repeated more than a dozen times. The site answered me that I keep on asking questions because “it” actually liked me. So I did, with the hope that I would actually see for myself what it would be like. To be spooked by a ghost in the internet. After a few minutes of being answered with the usual “just keep going, I feel good with you” answers, I got tired and finally asked “are you even real?” and Peter (lets just call the site that, as what it was named) answered me with a different one this time, he said “In a few minutes I’ll tell you your secret”.

I perked up with the hope that it could really happen, beside me was a friend who was answered with statements that said “I’m mad at you, you don’t really believe me”, “My soul would sleep under your bed tonight”, and “Someone is waiting for you outside”- which at first scared us because we thought it was another friend we were expecting but to our dismay no one really came.

So back to ME, there I was still going through the series of answers which didn’t really make any sense. After a few more minutes, I gave up and conclude that its computer generated and no part of it was really true. At least that’s what I believe in. If anyone of you has any story about this site, let me know…

 

I was really disappointed that I never got to see my secret – that the site told me would reveal. Too bad, I was really anticipating for it. Oh well so much for scary internet experiences.

 

Me. Gullible. Yes.

WoopsMsMe

                         weeh! i Just discovered that I could actually take pictures with my laptop’s camera. Weehh.. Hale Ms.Narcisa! There’s actually alot more pictures. hehahahha. A bit dark though.

My scars turning out as a trophy.

I was staring at my scars. They really look like tear drops streaming down my legs. When I was small I use to hate them- the scars were my fault. I had allergies and they itch and I scratched until they turn into abrasions (is that the term? I’m sure its not punctured wounds. Sorry, I’m no medical student). My mom being a nurse would tell me how ugly it looked and how dirty I’d come out to be with them. Those little stress as a child wasn’t so bad after all. My mom use to tell me that my legs would get cut off if I always had new ones. It went on untill I got busy with other things. I didn’t notice my bad habit go away so I couldn’t really tell when that happened. I use to be discriminated when I went to P.E. class. It was awful.

Its a different story now I guess. I swim with a french cut suit. Hahaha. I really don’t mind if they do talk about me I’m pretty happy with them. I love them in fact. For some reason I really do like having my scars around. Some of them has stories. Not all of them I got from scratching. Some, I got when I went mountain climbing, camps, swimming, and other activies that I use to do-that don’t do anymore because I dont have that much time.

I’m actually quite normal. Which I think is scary

I was going through a friend’s page when I realize that she actually got the “writers blue”- there isn’t really a word as such, just something I fabricated. I have some really good works last night. I didn’t sleep- I was at my peak for some reason. But I did, most of the works I find really good I never show, I don’t know. Maybe I’m afraid of being criticize and my dreams of actually being labelled as someone good would be shattered. Ha-ha. I guess I’m an Anne Franklin wannabe. I’m actually thinking of posting it. Still thinking about it. I have to give it a lot of thought for now. Those are my babies. I love them, maybe a little less than how I love my lover.

I’ll work on it tonight. Go through some extreme editting. Then maybe, just maybe I’ll be brave enough to be rejected.

I noticed most of my pieces show my being upset.  For the record, I’m not a very unhappy person. Just so happen I tend to write more about what bothers me than what makes me happy. I could never be free in my writings.  I always have to be on my shoulder for a.k.a “dugong”- someone who has been stalking me for over a year now – which is the main reason I keep switching blogs becomes she always have something to say about it and she has her way of getting to me. Which is really frustrating. It’s my life, but it just so happen that there are other people involve who I care a lot. Pretty soon, I might just stop this. For now, I still enjoy posting, I feel like I’m actually publishing a book, pro bono. I may be not that well of a writer but I do enjoy it. So adolescent ranting of me, huh?

Focus. How does one really learn how to focus? Aside from spelling, tha’s another of my weakness. I’m actually trying out this little experiment on myself. I finish whatever I’m doing first before going to work with something else. So far, it hasn’t been working. I could never get to go on with the next job which I think I could actually finish if I stopped working on the first one that I did. *sigh* Have any ideas that I could try out? My being obsessive compulsive is acting out again. Everytime I try one of those experiments on myself I couldn’t stand a bit of compromise on them. I stick to the rules- my rules. It usually just end with me feeling frustrated.

what’s the date today?

I’m at home right not.  I mean I’m making this at home.  I feel bad about the situation of other people and how fortunate some of us are.  I feel bad about how different the gap is between the rich and the poor.  I’m bothered by the thought that there are some kids in some part of the country (or maybe in our own cities) that are eating from the leftover food from the trash, sometimes they even consider those who find their so called meal as lucky.  Not that I’ll tell you what most mothers would tell you when you don’t eat your food.  “Think of all the hungry children in the world!” – I could almost hear my own mother saying to me as I struggle to swallow spoons of rice when I was small.  I feel rather frustrated, I feel that there’s nothing I could do.  It’s a job that’s impossible, if it wasn’t don’t you think it should have been solved years ago???

 

I was taught that to solve a problem, you have to identify the root cause of the problem. In this case, people don’t have their own livelihood and they don’t have any education to do so.  I know there are public schools that offer free education but that too is still expensive to them. The more I think about it the more I feel obligated to study harder and do good in school and at the same time have that sense or responsibility for them- since we all had our equal share of chances to actually be born with a family that is able to provide the daily needs of the members of the family.  I  was just lucky. But of course that doesn’t mean I owe them anything. But you will have a feeling of sympathy for them.

 

Going back to the root of the problem, I think in reality they do have options they just don’t know how to manage their life—just them same with me. But in this case they don’t really have a choice they have to otherwise they’ll just end up dieing under layers of garbage.

 

Another problem I find is that even though some of us have education, we don’t get that good a quality of it.  It makes us unqualified for whatever profession we would have in the future.  It’s actually very frustrating that the would be good teachers—great teachers are studying nursing instead of having their own profession. Not that I despise the young and even those who has already earned their degree to still take up nursing – I mean who could blame them! It’s way better than the other jobs they could have and also stable. In fact I think my family is better than how it use to be now that my mom is a nurse.

 

That’s probably the reason why I don’t really think there’s anything anyone of us could really do about it.  We all have our little rat race to face and our personal problems to face in this world.

 

When I was young, I use to want to work in Africa like what anjolina Jolie did in that movie “beyond borders”. But as I grew older, I naturally become more selfish (and don’t want to change-its f*cking normal btw) and figure that it’s not my fight. No matter how many sacks of rice we send them it will eventually finish. And then they starve again and die each day. Either we just wait and face the depressing fact that there’s nothing we could do.  Cause if there was the world wouldn’t do it anyway or allow it for that matter due to “health reasons”.

 

For me, it all boils down to God. Where are you when all these people die? Were you there? You tell me that the God who you believe in (referring to Christians) is merciful because no matter how I will mock him He will not kill me. It seems to me he hasn’t done anything and everything else is out of circumstances and luck. If there is such a system and a God it certainly doesn’t show the kind of God that is depicted. Or maybe my disappointment with God is my disappointment of who I want God to be? I’m just upset with all the cruel things that’s happening in the world. And I know that not even God would help them. It’s just sick.

I’m just very dissapionted with myself today.  I feel like a total loser.  Maybe its because someone very dear to me has given me that pinch thought that I could never be someone worth loving.  My lover didn’t really say it directly but it still meant the same to me. Or I could be assuming, but maybe me saying its assuming could actually mean that I’m just being in denial? HAH?!

Buttomline, I’m very dissapointed with myself right now.  I can’t stand my being so unproductive – I feel like what we call her in the Philippines as a lowlife “tambay”… I just got back after a week of vacation from celebrating our University’s Founders Day. Which is a really big event in the city. If I’m not mistaken I think its the 106th year.

I feel like such an aimless scum that has nothing to do.  And if I do have something to do its just not going to be good enough or even worth anyone’s time ’cause its just going to be a total mess. Which has been happening for the last couple of days. And which really sucks. 

I guess that’s just me being human.(?)

Yes! Alas! I’ve done it!

I just did something that would surprise the people who know me personally. I deleted my friend-network account.  I guess I just didn’t seem to find any use to it anymore. And I didn’t like the feeling of being watched.  For the past few years I’ve been trying to maintain a blog account that I could freely express my thoughts and feelings on everything.  The problem dear reader is that I always end up having someone tell my parents about the most horrid thing I say about them.  It’s not that I hate my parents -  I mean, come on! I’m sure we all have our mistakes at some point.  I just don’t know why they had to be such a blabber mouth about it.  Or maybe I should have been more careful and one way of being more careful was to cancel that.

I feel so liberated having done so anyway.  I think I’m pretty proud of what I just did.  I’m sure there are a lot of other people who have become so dependent on those friends-network sites.  Hahaha. Or I guess this is just my way of justifying what I have done.  

I must admit I am dependent on a couple of other things.  My cellphone for example, I think I would rather miss a class or a test if I left home without it. (I doubt it, if I could. I use it whenever I’m awake—- if it were possible to use it in the bathroom I probably would). and there’s e-mail, I guess I just like to keep in touch in a more genuine way than the friend-networking site.  Hahaha. My lover doesn’t and haven’t use it. She tells me she doesn’t like the superficiality of labeling people who you don’t really know as “friends”. I guess my lover has a point.  And I probably got the idea of deleting it from my ever dearest.