It hurts when you say it mom.

I’m upset.

Here are the things I heard from her today. I’m tired. And I’m still a bit confused with what to take up. But here are the things she told me tonight.

Bastos ka.

Baboy ka.

Wala kang kwentang tao.

Sana hindi kana pinanganak.

Magiging labandera ka at wala kang magawa sa buhay mo.

Isusumpa kita.

Sigurado ako walang mangyayari sayo.

Ewan ko nalang sayo.

Ikaw lang ang reason bakit naging bwesit buhay ko. (this is why I don’t like this word)

Ugom kang utin para maka lakaw ka diri. (translation: you need to suck **cks to get yourself anywhere) -probably why I’m straight. I’ve heard that line since I was 10.

And tonight I’m feeling upset. I hear those words again. But this time I just shut up. I stay in my room and wait for the bad feelings to subside. Do I really have to get used to this?

Tonight is one of those nights. I don’t think I want to talk about this to anyone. Cause talking about your mom this way makes you a bad person. But what if it’s true? Don’t I get to vent out every once in a while. I want to stay away. But there’s nothing I can do. Just be quiet. Just try not to cry. Just hold it in until she goes away. . . Help.

ang pag-ibig. :)

 

Sa boung mundo ang dami siguro ang sumusulat ukol sa pag-ibig. Ano ba talaga ‘tong salitang ito na tinatawag natin na pagmamahal o love? Bakit ang daming tao na nababaliw sa salitang ito? Sa buong mundo sino ba ang nakakabigay kahulugan sa isang salitang ang buong mundo ay umiikot – ukol sa pera ito na siguro ang pinakamatayan ng mga tao. Puede na itong isulat sa listahang “top things that people die for”. Ngunit sino ba ang nakakasagot nito? Pati ang Panginoon an nagbibigay din ng sarili niyang kahulugan. Siya daw ang Pag-ibig.

 

Ngunit, sa sitwasyon ko, ito na nga ba? Sa sitwasyon ko na babae ang hinahanap?

 

Sa pagkakataong ito, ilaladlad ko ang nararamdaman ko bilang isang babae na hinahanap ang kahulugan ng salita nito. Baka nga ito na ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong mamulat sa mundo na ito.

 

Sigurado ako kayo din meron din’g sariling bersiyon kung pano niyo ipakita kung ano talaga ang bukangbigbig ko na salitang ito.

 

Ang bersyon naman ng isang tao’ng sabi niya’y iniibig niya ako ang pag-ibig daw ay ang hindi pag-iwan ng minamahl mo. Eh pano ako? Hindi ko nga maiwan ang tao na ito ngunit sakit lang naman ang kapalit ko sa mga ginagawa niya. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa mga kasalanan niya sakin dati o dahil talagang nag-eenjoy lang talaga ako manakit sa kanya sa mala-ahas ko na mga salita.

 

Bakit ba ako dumating sa ganitong punto? Hindi ako takot na magiging mag-isa. Kung iisipin mas nakakatrabaho ako sa mga gawain ko kapag ako’y walang ibang iniisip kung hindi sarili ko lamang. Nawawala ako sa mga trabaho ko at nakakalimutan ang lahat pagmay ibang taong nagsasabing mahal niya ako.

 

Pano ko ba mahanap ang kahulugan ng salitang ‘yon? Mananatili ba ako sa tao na to? O lalayo? Kung manatili ako baka sakali ay maturuan nga niya ang puso ko. O baka naman kailangan ko talaga lumayo kasi baka kung manatili ako ay lalo akong tumigas at tuluyan ng maging manhid?

 

Ano ba ang tama? Pano mo matimbang kung ano ang tama at anu ang mali sa pag-ibig. Ang utak ba o ang nararamdaman ang dapat ipapairal mo?

 

Saan ba ang sagot ng mga tanong kong walang kwenta? Kung iisipin dapat hindi ‘to ang sinusulat ko kung di siguro dapat world peace, stopping violence, stopping war, or hindi kaya gasoline prices. Ngunit ito ang dikta ng mga kamay ko na itype at ito ang dikta ng utak ko na isulat. Utak ko na ang nagsasabi at pati na din ang puso. Siguro naman tama na isulat ko ang kadramahan ko na ito.

 

 

 

 

 

Magsisimula ang kadramahan ko na to sa linyang “ako’y isang magandang babae na mahilig din sa mmga magandang babae”. Hindi ko isusulat kung pano o bakit ako nagging ganito pero isususulat ko kung ano ung mga nararamdaman ko.

new.

It’s been almost a year since I opened this. Haha. I practically laughed my ass off as soon as I read what was here. Haha. I can’t believe how bitter I was with my ex. Uhmm.. I take that back. I can believe. I know how mean I can be especially with words. What can you do? I’m me. It’s natural for me to be illogical at times and let my anger take hold of me.

But its ok. I still have my sweet moments to compensate for whatever shit I have done.

Anyhows,

There’s been a lot of changes lately since my last blog. Good changes I might add. I’ll put in my list of things to do to write it all down. I need a new blog to update. I like writing blogs. I like having my hands typing every word thats on my mind. Or at least I try to catch up. for now. have to go to the hospital.

The perks of breaking up.

Why it is better for me to be alone…
1. so, no one else would make you feel really bad about yourself.

2.So you won’t have to think of what some bitch are thinking.

3. Eat as many ice creams as I want.

4. No one would take away whats yours.

What I just did…

I burned the stuff toys.

Burned the letters.

Burned the pictures.

Burned everything else that was given by her.

Burned every single memory of her.

Hate her.

SHE

the nerve of some people. SHE actually referred to us as IT. And boring. well ms.rich kid, for your information you’re boring. and I don’t like you and I never did in the first place. I did then you decided to make me want to continue my first impression of you. You disappoint me.

*breathes*

Its my first day in the gym to day and boy was it hell.

My Little Secret.

 

Have you ever tried going to www.peteranswers.com ? It’s this site where there are two boxes, on the first box you write Peter, please answer: on the second box you write your question. I heard stories that the site was able to answer questions such as what’s the name of the girl beside me (that’s without putting on any input whatsoever though) and what’s the color of my shirt right now. And there were many instances that the site actually got it correct (that’s what I heard anyway). And when asked who the person answering was the site would answer “satan”, creepy eh?

 

Anyway my experience turned out to be a cycle of questions, and answers that were repeated more than a dozen times. The site answered me that I keep on asking questions because “it” actually liked me. So I did, with the hope that I would actually see for myself what it would be like. To be spooked by a ghost in the internet. After a few minutes of being answered with the usual “just keep going, I feel good with you” answers, I got tired and finally asked “are you even real?” and Peter (lets just call the site that, as what it was named) answered me with a different one this time, he said “In a few minutes I’ll tell you your secret”.

I perked up with the hope that it could really happen, beside me was a friend who was answered with statements that said “I’m mad at you, you don’t really believe me”, “My soul would sleep under your bed tonight”, and “Someone is waiting for you outside”- which at first scared us because we thought it was another friend we were expecting but to our dismay no one really came.

So back to ME, there I was still going through the series of answers which didn’t really make any sense. After a few more minutes, I gave up and conclude that its computer generated and no part of it was really true. At least that’s what I believe in. If anyone of you has any story about this site, let me know…

 

I was really disappointed that I never got to see my secret – that the site told me would reveal. Too bad, I was really anticipating for it. Oh well so much for scary internet experiences.

 

Me. Gullible. Yes.

WoopsMsMe

                         weeh! i Just discovered that I could actually take pictures with my laptop’s camera. Weehh.. Hale Ms.Narcisa! There’s actually alot more pictures. hehahahha. A bit dark though.

My scars turning out as a trophy.

I was staring at my scars. They really look like tear drops streaming down my legs. When I was small I use to hate them- the scars were my fault. I had allergies and they itch and I scratched until they turn into abrasions (is that the term? I’m sure its not punctured wounds. Sorry, I’m no medical student). My mom being a nurse would tell me how ugly it looked and how dirty I’d come out to be with them. Those little stress as a child wasn’t so bad after all. My mom use to tell me that my legs would get cut off if I always had new ones. It went on untill I got busy with other things. I didn’t notice my bad habit go away so I couldn’t really tell when that happened. I use to be discriminated when I went to P.E. class. It was awful.

Its a different story now I guess. I swim with a french cut suit. Hahaha. I really don’t mind if they do talk about me I’m pretty happy with them. I love them in fact. For some reason I really do like having my scars around. Some of them has stories. Not all of them I got from scratching. Some, I got when I went mountain climbing, camps, swimming, and other activies that I use to do-that don’t do anymore because I dont have that much time.