It hurts when you say it mom.

I’m upset.

Here are the things I heard from her today. I’m tired. And I’m still a bit confused with what to take up. But here are the things she told me tonight.

Bastos ka.

Baboy ka.

Wala kang kwentang tao.

Sana hindi kana pinanganak.

Magiging labandera ka at wala kang magawa sa buhay mo.

Isusumpa kita.

Sigurado ako walang mangyayari sayo.

Ewan ko nalang sayo.

Ikaw lang ang reason bakit naging bwesit buhay ko. (this is why I don’t like this word)

Ugom kang utin para maka lakaw ka diri. (translation: you need to suck **cks to get yourself anywhere) -probably why I’m straight. I’ve heard that line since I was 10.

And tonight I’m feeling upset. I hear those words again. But this time I just shut up. I stay in my room and wait for the bad feelings to subside. Do I really have to get used to this?

Tonight is one of those nights. I don’t think I want to talk about this to anyone. Cause talking about your mom this way makes you a bad person. But what if it’s true? Don’t I get to vent out every once in a while. I want to stay away. But there’s nothing I can do. Just be quiet. Just try not to cry. Just hold it in until she goes away. . . Help.

ang pag-ibig. :)

 

Sa boung mundo ang dami siguro ang sumusulat ukol sa pag-ibig. Ano ba talaga ‘tong salitang ito na tinatawag natin na pagmamahal o love? Bakit ang daming tao na nababaliw sa salitang ito? Sa buong mundo sino ba ang nakakabigay kahulugan sa isang salitang ang buong mundo ay umiikot – ukol sa pera ito na siguro ang pinakamatayan ng mga tao. Puede na itong isulat sa listahang “top things that people die for”. Ngunit sino ba ang nakakasagot nito? Pati ang Panginoon an nagbibigay din ng sarili niyang kahulugan. Siya daw ang Pag-ibig.

 

Ngunit, sa sitwasyon ko, ito na nga ba? Sa sitwasyon ko na babae ang hinahanap?

 

Sa pagkakataong ito, ilaladlad ko ang nararamdaman ko bilang isang babae na hinahanap ang kahulugan ng salita nito. Baka nga ito na ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan kong mamulat sa mundo na ito.

 

Sigurado ako kayo din meron din’g sariling bersiyon kung pano niyo ipakita kung ano talaga ang bukangbigbig ko na salitang ito.

 

Ang bersyon naman ng isang tao’ng sabi niya’y iniibig niya ako ang pag-ibig daw ay ang hindi pag-iwan ng minamahl mo. Eh pano ako? Hindi ko nga maiwan ang tao na ito ngunit sakit lang naman ang kapalit ko sa mga ginagawa niya. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa mga kasalanan niya sakin dati o dahil talagang nag-eenjoy lang talaga ako manakit sa kanya sa mala-ahas ko na mga salita.

 

Bakit ba ako dumating sa ganitong punto? Hindi ako takot na magiging mag-isa. Kung iisipin mas nakakatrabaho ako sa mga gawain ko kapag ako’y walang ibang iniisip kung hindi sarili ko lamang. Nawawala ako sa mga trabaho ko at nakakalimutan ang lahat pagmay ibang taong nagsasabing mahal niya ako.

 

Pano ko ba mahanap ang kahulugan ng salitang ‘yon? Mananatili ba ako sa tao na to? O lalayo? Kung manatili ako baka sakali ay maturuan nga niya ang puso ko. O baka naman kailangan ko talaga lumayo kasi baka kung manatili ako ay lalo akong tumigas at tuluyan ng maging manhid?

 

Ano ba ang tama? Pano mo matimbang kung ano ang tama at anu ang mali sa pag-ibig. Ang utak ba o ang nararamdaman ang dapat ipapairal mo?

 

Saan ba ang sagot ng mga tanong kong walang kwenta? Kung iisipin dapat hindi ‘to ang sinusulat ko kung di siguro dapat world peace, stopping violence, stopping war, or hindi kaya gasoline prices. Ngunit ito ang dikta ng mga kamay ko na itype at ito ang dikta ng utak ko na isulat. Utak ko na ang nagsasabi at pati na din ang puso. Siguro naman tama na isulat ko ang kadramahan ko na ito.

 

 

 

 

 

Magsisimula ang kadramahan ko na to sa linyang “ako’y isang magandang babae na mahilig din sa mmga magandang babae”. Hindi ko isusulat kung pano o bakit ako nagging ganito pero isususulat ko kung ano ung mga nararamdaman ko.

new.

It’s been almost a year since I opened this. Haha. I practically laughed my ass off as soon as I read what was here. Haha. I can’t believe how bitter I was with my ex. Uhmm.. I take that back. I can believe. I know how mean I can be especially with words. What can you do? I’m me. It’s natural for me to be illogical at times and let my anger take hold of me.

But its ok. I still have my sweet moments to compensate for whatever shit I have done.

Anyhows,

There’s been a lot of changes lately since my last blog. Good changes I might add. I’ll put in my list of things to do to write it all down. I need a new blog to update. I like writing blogs. I like having my hands typing every word thats on my mind. Or at least I try to catch up. for now. have to go to the hospital.

The perks of breaking up.

Why it is better for me to be alone…
1. so, no one else would make you feel really bad about yourself.

2.So you won’t have to think of what some bitch are thinking.

3. Eat as many ice creams as I want.

4. No one would take away whats yours.

What I just did…

I burned the stuff toys.

Burned the letters.

Burned the pictures.

Burned everything else that was given by her.

Burned every single memory of her.

Hate her.

I just finished P.E. class. And I’m thinking of not going to Fine Arts class. Because,

 1. I borred a copy of the sem’s lesson from a classmate and it got wet because I accidentally placed it in with my wet swim suit.

And that’s probably the only reason why I’m not going. Oh boohooo!

GYM

It’s my second week and it feels greet. I can go on the tread mill for as long as I can. And I don’t struggle going through the exercises anymore.Which is great! And I feel great. I can’t wait to lose some weight. I’m going healthy living. I don’t smoke. And I don’t drink as much as I use to (I can’t quit. WE love…) And it just feels so good. I’m really busy now though. With GYM and the rest of the things I have to do in school and at work. Which is great. It’s also my Dad’s birthday today. I’m not sure what’ll happen later. I’ve been in school practically the whole day. I’ll find out when I get home.

What I learned about GG

To add to my list of projects. My dad has been nagging me for driving school. There’s a small school that actually handles that here in Dumzville. But I’m not sure if it’s still surviving. *crossfingers* I hope it does. I really need to learn to drive ASAP. I’m still a bit shaken up from our accident last month. It wrecked the van’s sliding door. Lolz. That is the right term, is it? I’m not sure.

Today, I learned about The Game of Generals or what they call GG. It was featured in Strictly Politics in the ANC channel. I think they did that because during the time of Martial Law they actually thought (they- I mean the people)  actualy thought it was the governments way of embracing martial law. A strategist, its what they call the lowest rank in being really good at the game, said that it wasn’t. It just felt that way  because it involves knowing your Army officials. Its a bit similar to Chess, its a Filipino version of it- instead of the usual kings and queens as pieces it uses 5 star general and 4 stars….

I like it because its  Filipino made- and they say that no other nation has beaten us at it. Thank god! And it involves a lot of manuevering. It’s a mind game as well. It was developed in the 1970’s which was probably why they thought it was linked to Martial Law because Martial Law was declared in 1972. It boomed between 1975-1985 .. Well those are some of the facts I learned from watching TV.

I like the thought that there is actually a newschannel that features Politics- because I notice that people just learn from word of mouth the happenings in that industry. Sad, I know. I think I like how ANC is.. Galing! I’ve been learning a lot about my country from that channel. I sound like an advertisement now.

Projects

Well for the last couple of days. In my attempt to keep myself busy. Here are some of the things I’ve manage to do so far:

1. Work for my dad. I now do “book keeping” for him. I’m not really sure if that’s the right term for it. I’m just a student. It’s not my first job, but it’s different from where I use to work from. (call centers). I like this than the other jobs I took- but the experience was good though- with my previous jobs I mean)

2. GYM- I now go to the Gym. Part of my so called benefits with working for my Dad is that he enrolls me to gym. Which was hell on the first day. But I guess its working out better now. Phew! And some of my friends are also there. So its really nice.

3. My blog – which I seem to be using consistently (that a good word?- I should really read more)

4. My books! I bought 2 books that I read on my free time, and my lover bought me one as an advance birthday present, my birthday is still on the 21st of November but I asked for it because the book was on sale and neither of us would be able to afford it if we wait until November

5. Artsy Fartsy stuff – and I bought some colored pencils which I used a while ago for my ultimate artsy fartsy projects. Yepey!

.

smile baby

Hahahah. I discovered how to put my smile on my blog. Very narcisa of me but to hell! It’s my blog. Wahaha.. the joy!

SHE

the nerve of some people. SHE actually referred to us as IT. And boring. well ms.rich kid, for your information you’re boring. and I don’t like you and I never did in the first place. I did then you decided to make me want to continue my first impression of you. You disappoint me.

*breathes*

Its my first day in the gym to day and boy was it hell.